Dictionary of Secular Slang
By Chia Pet

WORDS

AHOL adj. : obnoxiously absent.
alternateen n. : a teenager who adheres to “counterculture” and attempts to shock everyone (EC).
angrifying adj. : beyond irritating.
Anti-Social Ball n. : a variation of the well-known game entitled “Silent Ball” where everyone just faces the wall and the ball sits in the middle.
ANY-way inter. : Go to hell; I don’t want to talk to you anymore.  [“Mhmmm... mmmmhmmm... huh... uh... that’s nice.  ANY-way...”]
aristobrat n. : a prep who considers themselves to be a superior being and expects royal treatment.
assholistic adj. : resembling an asshole in every aspect.
automagically adv. : describing things that definately happen, without anyone knowing (or perhaps wanting to know) why/how they happen. [“I was waiting for him to call, so I got into the shower, and just as I was shampooing, the phone rang automagically.”]
awwful adj. : excessively and nausiatingly touching.
babbly adj. : abnormally prone to babbling.
batmobiling v. : putting up emotional shields; from the retracting armor that covers the batmobile.
bilmup n. : A vegetable that exists only on the internet. The pits are poisonous.  Commonly appear as <@>. 
blamestorming v. : unproductive discussion about why something was failed.
blech inter. :  a noise of general distaste.
brain v. : to ask many questions in an attempt to get information. [“I wanted to brain you about the Con.”]
brain enema n.: to become overstimulated and then talk incessantly and unceasingly in meaningless half-sentences.
buddhaland n. : boondocks.
cauc v. : to degrade, objectify, or discriminate.
carperpetuation v. : the act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over, picking it up, examining it, and then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
cat herding v. : attempting to guide people who are entirely too curious about their surroundings.
C level n. : The chiefs: CIO, COO, CFO, CEO, etc.; upper management.
clinton v. : to argue over the definition or be very specific with a definition.
Condom n. : the united quasi-anarchy of Con-goers.
Con state n. : a condition of having too much caffeine and too little sleep.
confuzzle v. : very confused by something which seems random. 
cowhead n. Any member of a group of very similar people who have no life outside of kissing ass and having their asses kissed by other members of the group. Also, one who tends to gravitate toward such groups.
CPU abbr. : Common Parental Unit; society (esp. popular culture).
crun-chewy adj. : the texture of anything disgusting that you damned well know you had no business eating but did anyway due to an attempt at being polite.
cybergoth n. : having aspects of both cyberpunk and goth style.
cyberloiter v. : commonly known as “surfing the web”; to wander the web aimlessly.
cyberscribe v. : to copy something from paper into a word processor.
cyberslutting v. : engaging in excessive cybersex.
cybertransvestite n. : someone who assumes the identity of the opposite sex online.
darwinate v. : removal of one’s self before breeding, resulting in an improved gene pool.  
deep soap n. : a state of being where you should deep throat soap (as opposed to just washing your mouth out).
depped v. : deprived or deprivation.
Delta arc n. : the roundabout way; from Delta’s knack of having out-of-the-way change-overs.
Diet Pepsi n. : an unwanted (esp. disgusting) assignment.
dilbertize v. : to make one inundated and weary of bureaucracy, mismanagement, and other aspects of large corporations.
dop or döp n. : look-alike; from the mythical German impersonator (doppelganger).
e-ddict n. : an Internet addict.
eebie-fleebie n. : a small domesticated snake-like creature with soft brown fur, little round ears and a big wet tongue. Native to Ten Forward Lounge.  Also, to be rapidly licked as if by an eebie-fleebie.
ego masturbating v. : stroking one’s own ego.
egotard n. : someone so entrenched in their own ego that they are retarded.  (EC)
egotesticle n. : believing that the world revolves around his gonads.
ego valve n. : the penis; you blow on it and their ego inflates.
elationship n. : a relationship where both partners are just ecstatically happy.
elbonics v. : the actions of two people maneuvering for one arm rest in the movie theatre.
erududite adj. : attempting to be erudite and failing.
exii or XI n. : plural of “ex”; ex-boyfriends and/or ex-girlfriends.  
faulternateen n. : a teenager who really wants to not be normal but, y’know what, they just are.
figadget n. : any object with which one fidgets.
flamocracy n.: a newsgroup or message board ruled by a select group of people who can flame very well.
flarto v. : saying something that makes no sense by sounds cool anyway. [example: “Did you know that if you put a little hat on a snowball, it can survive a long time in Hell?”]
flibbertygibbit n.: someone who flirts for the sake of flirting, not caring about their partners in the least.
fleedle v.: to be working on a very unimportant and frustrating task for a very long time.
flowerswat v. : To hit someone with a moistened bouquet.
FOAF abbr. : Friend Of A Friend
FORD abbr. : Fucker Only Runs Damaged; something that fails more often when“fixed”.
FPU abbr. : Female Parental Unit; mother.
freetard n. : Someone who cannot be left to their own devices without making many serious errors.
Freud n. : The part of the psyche which relates everything to sex, sexual functions, or gonads.
fruffles n. : fluffy ruffles — a style of excessive ruffles frequently found at weddings.  
gank v. : to suddenly be tricked into doing something and not realize it. Used only in past tense.
Generica n. : fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions, etc. [“We were so lost in Generica that we didn’t know what city it was.”]
glerp inter. : to make a weird and tremulous glottal sound with slightly crossed eyes. A common reaction to being shrimpforked.
gnerf inter. : to mutter under one’s breath, esp. in annoyance.
GPF n. : General Protection Fault; a habitual and systematic flaw in logic.  [“The Manson Effect is a GPF.”]
grok v. : to understand completely. (EC)
growlarabbit n. : A large and unnaturally aggressive jackrabbit.
groxx inter. : to grumble gutturally and crossley about something that’s irritating, stupid, or angrifying.
grump n. : grown-up. (EC)
guten schlafetiet inter. : a suggestion that you want to sleep instead of eating.
haif n. : something that one person finds utterly precious, but another person thinks is totally annoying or complete garbage.
hair vampire n. : Anything which grabs long hair and refuses to let go.
hi-po adj. : high potential.
Hobo Power n. : the unit of power regarding stench.  
hoopy adj. : really together guy. (EC)
hrmf inter. : a noise of resignation and frustration towards life in general; less focused than a yarb and portraying more exhaustion than a gnerf.  
hypinion n. : an uneducated guess.
hypocracy n. : Any large conglomeration of predominantly stupid people that follows fads.
internaive adj. : people with no clue how to use the Internet or how it works.
ITL adj. : In The Loop.
jury n. : a group of twelve people who decide which side has the better lawyer.
kibipkie n. : something which you babble about incessantly while everyone else gets annoyed and goes insane.  Commonly a haif.
locker fodder n. : a small, nerdy freshman.
mallternative adj. : in a matter relating to a yuppie’s attempt at being an alternateen. (EC)
Manson Effect n. : whatever it is that causes all depressed people to believe the same faulty logic.
meatspace n. : the physical world.
mental bulimia n. : an mental disorder characterized by the compulsive regurgitation of information.
Merchandise Darwinism n. : the process of abusing stock to keep the bad ones from reaching the customers.  [“They practice Merchandise Darwinism; that is why they are throwing around the printers.”]
message bored n. : A message board or newsgroup that has idle chit-chat, stupidity, or nothing going on.
metaphor abuse n. : the willful and blatant extension of a metaphor beyond reasonable perimeters.
midwest v. : to be polite to the point of self-destruction.
month n. : the standard period of time in a class. Usually equal to forty-five minute “Hours” or ninety minute “Blocks”.
moonscape n. : any place which has been bombed back to the Stone Age and/or has suffered significant or total damage to the surrounding wildlife.
mouse potato n. : someone who sits around and just plays (esp. games) on the computer.
MPU abbr. : Male Parental Unit; father.
nasty-stupid adj. : an action or person devoid of wicked-smartness. 
nerding v. : roleplaying involving character sheets, books, and math.
NIE abbr. : Neurons In Excess; smart.
Normalis vera n. : The scientific classification of normal people.
nummiful adj. : very good.
OCD abbr. : On Crack Dream; an abnormally strange, disturbing, or otherwise shrimpforkish dream.
OOTL adj. : Out Of The Loop.
peppier n. : The waiter at a fancy resteraunt whose sole purpose seemse to be walking around asking people if they would like ground pepper. 
permannoyed adj. : permanently annoyed.
Pervert Demon n. : a horny Freud.
penis discrimination v. : when parents condemn any man to come within shouting distance of their daughter.
power dump v. : to completely blow out your internal organs while going to the bathroom.
pseudocide v. : to destroy falsehoods, lies (esp. those used to maintain comfort).
pumpkin n. : a person who is babbling and annoying due to sleep deprivation or Con state.
quidgibo n. : a small African ape with a short attention span.
Ragstalking v. : hunting through thrift stores (such as Ragstock) for good clothing and outfits.
relationshit n. : a really horrid relationship from which you can’t seem to escape.
right-braining v. : utilizing logical processes to pull yourself away from a relationship or feeling.
Rockian adj. : relating to the interconnectedness of all things. 
rozzle v. : to end a conversation with a disgusting and shrimpforky comment. [example: “My  mom fists horses for a living.”]
sarchasm n. : the rift between the person saying the sarcastic remark and the guy who doesn’t get it.
sass v. : know, be aware of, have sex with. (EC)
Schlong-Fu n. : The feminine martial art which begins by slapping and ends by kicking someone in the groin.
Scratch-off Slut n. : A very sexually active woman who wears so much makeup that you cannot tell if they are beautiful (or, more commonly true, disgustingly ugly) until the morning after.
scrong n. : “Screw song” — a song that evokes sexual arousal in the listeners (i.e.: “Closer” by NIN).
sheeple n. : willing members of a hypocracy.
shirmpfork v. : how you pronounce “shrimpfork” when you are.
shrimpfork v. : to cause a general protection fault in someone’s brain as a result of weird topics and bizarre (esp. sexual) imagery.
snerfle v. : to sneeze indignantly, as cats frequently do.
sqweegie v. : the act of correcting your insult into a compliment; usually utilized when a person you are insulting wanders by. [example: “Laura is really easy...uh...going.”]
snerble v. : a sexual proposition.
snork n. : that noise halfway between a snort and a laugh
social engineering n. : the system of manipulating forces in a hypocracy. (EC)
spamalicious adj. : very unnecessary and crude. A compliment.
square headed boyfriend/girlfriend n. : computer or internet relationship.
stoop adj. : nasty-stupid.
stupregnant adj. : someone who has become untimely pregnant  
Three Thumb Twiddling v. : male masturbation
Tietze cramp n. : a hand cramp produced from panicked essay writing, as in a test.
TMI abbr. : Too Much Information : A state of being told something you REALLY don’t need to know.
Trojan Man n. : someone who interrupts others’ sex.
uhzactly adv. : I would say “exactly”, but I don’t have a clue what you are talking about.
umfriend n. : Sexual partner. [“This is Lance, my...um...friend.”]
veem v. : A noise made when you are happy but you are not sure those around you give a shit.
WHS abbr. : Wandering Hands Syndrome : A shrimpforking affliction where you cannot control where your hands wander over someone else.
wicked-smart adj. : Containing an intelligence that IQ tests can’t seem to get their hands on and which scares shitless people who lack wicked-smartness.
wiggins adj. : chills.
Wrongos n. : a demented cousin of Mentos which creates horribly wrong and stupid ideas in the brain of anyone who eats them. Exponentially more powerful when snorted. [examples: “Let’s build an alarm clock...out of MEAT!” or “If I rub the chicken with sunscreen, that’ll keep it from burning!”]
WWJD? abbr. : Who Wants Jelly Donuts?
yalt v. : to plot to take over the world.
yarb v. : anoise of serious annoyance.
yehbutt argument n. : the argument made by someone so convinced they are right that they lower themselves to “Yeah, but...”.
yestergeek adj. : things which among the ‘nerd’ culture were once popular, but are not popular anymore.
yuppish n. : a grafted flap of skin used to hold a cellphone. 
zenk point n. : the point in a relationship where you are better than friends, but don’t want to admit that there is any romance.
zot v. : using excessive force to harm someone.
zzrbt n. : that thing done on baby’s bellies. (EC)